Dirty Mind
by Mello's Favorite Reject
Summary: AU "What part of the human anatomy grows ten times its normal size when stimulated?" Near, Mello, and Matt have answers. RATED T. OneShot. Dedicated to CatatonicVanity.


**Title:** Dirty Mind

**Summary**: AU "What part of the human anatomy grows ten times its normal size when stimulated?" Near, Mello, and Matt have answers. RATED T. OneShot. Dedicated to CatatonicVanity.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own DN. Nor did I come up with the joke that this fic is based on.

**Author's Note:** 'Kay, so I finished my chores, heard a joke and decided to write a fic for an awesome friend based on said joke… So… enjoy.

**Dedicated to: **MY Sauce (aka CatatonicVanity!). Thanks for writing that incredibly arousing PWP! *grin* (Oh, and the next chappie of CiTC will be dedicated to you as well, but… that'll take a couple days, sooo and I wanted to produce a Oneshot for ya too!)

…

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L hated this. Just last week he was giving a lecture on Western Philosophy to some college freshmen, and somehow he ended up being transferred to another school… and another grade. He missed the young adults that were just learning about mortality and how the world worked; he missed the University and all the perks that came with working there. But now… he parked a whole block away from the school, needing to stay clear of where the busses ran; now, he was teaching Physical Health to grade school children-5th graders, to be exact.

He sighed quietly as he collected notebooks from each student, offering a single piece of candy to everyone who did their work.

And, though he'd only known these kids for about a week, he already figured out who the troublemakers were.

As he collected the last of the notebooks (in which were definitions from last night's home work) he found himself standing in front of three particular boys, only one of which had homework to offer. He eyed them suspiciously before walking to the front of the class, setting the stack of notebooks on his desk and turning to look at his young scholars.

"Alright, class, most of you did your work, so why don't we discuss it?" He paused long enough to hear some children agreeing excitably while others grumbled or remained mute.

While L began to question the children about the lesson, his attention was mostly focused on those same three boys: the pale boy who always looked so bored, never took notes, and always got A's –the blonde who had a rather aggressive streak, usually got his work done, and had mostly A's and a couple B's –and finally, the redhead, whom was often found slacking off and making jokes when he wasn't trying to hide a game under his desk during class; he often got D's, not because he was unintelligent, but because refused to do the work.

Still, the discussion continued: "_Now, what part of the human anatomy grows ten times its normal size when stimulated_? Anyone?" The class suddenly seemed unresponsive. L frown at the lack of participation. "Again, what part of the human anatomy grows ten times its normal size when stimulated?" When he was met with more silence, he sighed loudly. "I'll give you a hint: Some of you might have noticed it in the bathroom, possibly in front of a mirror. Or maybe you've noticed while observing your peers…"

The sound of a plastic gaming consol hitting the floor stole everyone's attention; L and his students all looked to find that the redhead's Gameboy had been dropped to the floor; green eyes were wide and the boy's mouth was wide open in shock. "Fuck, Mr L, you're gonna get fired for talkin' like that! You're a sick old pervert!" The gamer then made a rude gesture and stifled a laugh.

The blonde next to him snickered and offered a high five; and the albino rolled his eyes before beginning to rearrange the supplies in his pencil box.

L quirked a brow at the redhead's implication but said nothing on the subject. Instead, he tried again to get an answer. "Let's try again. What part of the human anatomy grows ten times its normal size when stimulated? Anyone? Anyone at all?"

"Pervert," murmured the redhead, scooting his chair back, spreading his legs in a rather provocative display.

Of course, the teacher kept his attention averted.

Slowly, the albino closed his pencil box and raised a hand. He waited for L to call on him before responding: "_the brain?"_

L shook his head and looked disappointed. "No, Near. The brain does not grow when stimulated. Anyone else? I'll give chocolate to whoever gives the right answer."

"You're still a filthy pervert, and I hope you go to jail," said the redhead, speaking out of turn and smirking. "If and when you go, feel free to think about me when you jerk it. -Oh, and don't drop the soap or someone will tap that ass of yours!"

Once more, L ignored the redhead's words and repeated: "What part of the…-" He didn't even get to finish his question this time when a hand shot up into the air. He forced a small smile and called on the child. "Yes, Mello, go ahead. And remember, you get chocolate if you get it right."

The blonde stood up and puffed out his chest, trying to appear more confident than he was. "Mr L, the part of the human anatomy that grows up to ten times its normal size when stimulated is… _the pupil_."

L nodded in approval and offered the blonde a piece of chocolate. Then he turned his attention to the redhead who suddenly seemed puzzled. "Matt… I have three things to say to you."

Matt nodded and retrieved his Gameboy.

"One, you have a very, very dirty mind."

Matt shrugged nonchalantly. "I know."

"Two, you clearly did not do your homework."

Matt held up his game, pretending to hide behind it. "And?"

"And three… if you think _that _part of the human anatomy gets ten times bigger, you are going to be very, very disappointed when you become sexually active."

…

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**/Not great, but ya get the point. Hope it's not too terrible. Hope I made CV smile! Now… REVIEW!/**


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